Plz Take Books
2010 April 29
What have I been doing for the last fifteen minutes?
Epically upward-gazing bearded man of oldtime futurism. (Lean back)
There is no decent buy/sell/trade bookshop here. I know a good one would do well. Either way I have books to unload. I give books away all the time anyway, and although a decent trade credit at a decent establishment would be nice, I finally resorted to this. Prominently posted on a largeish bookcase. I suppose the dregs can stay, or go in some garage sale of the future.
National Library Week 2010
2010 April 15
I love Libraries! I've said this before, and this week I got to say it again. Through loudspeakers from the roof of the downtown OCLS branch.
To celebrate National Library Week, Brian Feldman Projects put together a performance art event called 67 Books.
67 Books is a weeklong performance art event wherein 67 Orange County Library System (OCLS) cardholders read aloud for one hour at a time any book they choose from the OCLS collection, on the roof of Orlando Public Library. The number 67 corresponds to the number of hours Orlando Public Library is open in the span of one week.
I was Book 9, and Monday at noon I read from 60 Stories by Donald Barthelme. (My first choice was Beckett, but alas, the library didn't have the one I wanted.)
The event has been streaming live all week, and there are videos of past readers archived so you can go back and listen to such local giants as Billy Manes of the Orlando Weekly. (LOL!)
Or you can watch me. Or you can just see who's reading right now.
Two V-Day Rules No One Taught You
2010 February 11
I understand the main event of any Valentine's Day is The Date. I encourage you to do exactly that this Valentine's Day, but with a word of advice. I've worked in plenty of restaurants and bars, and I've seen many a V-Day date take frightening turns when these rules aren't followed.
Guys: Buy expensive drinks.
The reason you buy expensive drinks on Valentine's Day is not to impress her with finer things, demonstrate her value to you, nor even just to do something out of the ordinary; it's to keep from getting too sloshed to bang.
Seriously. Stay strong by sipping, and pace your partner, (on the sly, of course). Maybe a nice bottle of wine and a few cocktails out on the town, otherwise that new lingerie of hers will be wastefully tossed into the dark void of stumbling blackout. Don't deprive her of the dampening memory of your potent performance.
And if you can avoid hangovers, your odds of a morning romp improve greatly. Mmmm… big, messy hair and smudged, leftover eyeliner. Hot.
Ladies: It's the thought that counts.
Believe me, everyone knows the 14th of February is all about you. No need to restate the obvious by getting all mememememe about it.
Men are under a lot of pressure to fulfill your fantasy expectations. Did he buy you milk chocolates instead of dark? Theater tickets instead of handcrafted jewelry? Reservations at a Winter Park steakhouse instead of a downtown bistro? Get over it.
Nothing ruins the magic of a good Brazilian wax and red satin dress like pursed lips and cold shoulders. You want to be queen for a day? Act like one. Gracefully appreciate the gestures that don't suit your tastes. Smile. Compliment his magnificence to another girl while he's within earshot. And when you get home, reward him. He may be getting the "reward" but you'll be the one who's adored.
Is Your Dad the Coolest Guy in America? No. Mine is, and Here's Why:
2010 January 06
Palm Beach County is the largest county in Florida by land area; at 2,386 square miles, it is over 800 square miles larger than the state of Rhode Island. As of 2007 the county's estimated population was over 1.35 million and quickly growing, making it the 29th most populous county in the country.
The part of county government that handles the tech and networking of various public operations is Information Systems Services, where my father, Mike Butler, serves as Network Services Director. The network he created connects cities and municipalities, law enforcement, emergency services, health services, educational institutions, and nonprofits countywide.
His latest project is what makes him the coolest guy in America, and makes Palm Beach County an unlikely leader into territory widely discussed but so far uncharted by any other county government in the nation: completely free high-speed wireless access in the county's poorest districts, along with free computers in the homes of the poorest students. The whole package, free. No halfway broadband initiatives here.
The project's small test district, Pleasant City, has had free access for one year, and through the School District of Palm Beach County 50 families received free training to use the free computers refurbished by students at the tech magnet high school.
"On the first day, after the first five families received computers, other families were immediately asking us for computers," says Butler. "People were desperate, and we sent out more."
Over the last year, the students in these families saw their grades jump from a low D to a high C average. That sounds like a successful start to me. The county has applied for some $20 million of the federal broadband stimulus to expand this project to several other areas that need it. And according to US Senator Bill Nelson's office, it seems likely they'll get it.
The largest of these poverty pockets is The Muck; the southeast shore of Lake Okeechobee, out west past the county's central farmlands. Belle Glade, Pahokee, and surrounding communities were built on agribusiness and home to generations of migrant workers. Once famous for winter vegetables and commercially successful, now famous for producing NFL players and economically devastated. A Pahokee child interviewed Obama about how he intended to improve education, and has since become a semi-famous child journalist, while Pahokee now seems to hinge its economic hopes on a new marina.
Palm Beach County provides the United States half its sugar, along with other crops. Today, one man in a truck can harvest the sugarcane it used to take dozens of workers in the muck. Today an historically poor, undereducated community of laborers, (once with the nation's highest AIDS density, and once with the nation's highest violent crime density), suffers nearly 45% unemployment.
The county network is connected to the Florida LambdaRail, part of the National LambdaRail network; a fiber network owned and operated by major universities and research organizations which can provide the county internet access at least 40 times faster and 30% cheaper than commercially available high-speed. This expansion of available speed and capacity will make it easier and cost-effective to provide internet access to areas including Belle Glade and Pahokee, parts of Delray and Riviera Beach, and West Palm. The county will extend its network out to these areas and then, via radio towers, send thousands of the poorest students free wireless internet.
The School District of Palm Beach County will continue to have students refurbish the computers it normally cycles out every year, and those computers — preloaded with necessary and useful software — will end up in the homes of students living in poverty. Their families will be trained by the school district to use the computers, and how to regularly access Edline.net, where parents, students, and teachers log in to stay informed about their schools, classes, curriculum and grades.
In a state whose schools are leaving most children behind one way or another and clamoring for the few dollars the state legislature sees fit to allot the (promising) children, this sideways approach is an example of a handful of relatively unknown public servants setting out to serve the public. If it's easier to get millions for tech and then funnel it into education — bypassing at least a portion of the corrupt — why not? Obama's broadband spending is just an open window for the clever. People can continue to fight for "more important" direct funding for education and economic development, but in the meantime…
My tech-geek dad may not be able to feed thousands of hungry bellies but he can do his best to cater an informational feast for hungry minds. Given the right opportunities most children learn and grow, and more bright and curious children will helpfully contribute to their communities.
Redneck Jihad! Woo!
2009 December 16
I mean, Radio Jihad. Dot Org.
A couple of weeks ago I received an email from one Alan K. of Radio Jihad. It was obnoxiously formatted with gleeful HTML bolding and italicizing and coloring. And centered. Centering is so gross. And it had links that actually said "click here." Here are some juicy bits:
On this show we discuss the exclusionary constitution of the **Islamic Community of Tampa** Islamic Community of Tampa
**with ties to terrorist Sami al-Arian**
Follows Islamic Law over US Constitution
(813) 555-5555
[I'm not actually going to post this community's number so some random person can come along, read this, and pick up their phone and harass them for no reason. I found their site lovely, and their constitution positive.]
The Preamble of the ICT states:
…declare establishment of the Islamic Community of Tampa, Inc., with the
Qur'an (the book of Allah, all praises to him)
and the Sunnah (the tradition) of Prophet
Mohammad (p.b.u.h) **as our source of
primary guidance.**
**As a non-Muslim you are excluded from joining their community - what
bigotry** God Bless the Troops and God Bless America!
America Akbar
LOL!
It occurred to me that this Alan K. of RadioJihad.org is in fact one of the men who talked nonsense at me for almost an hour at the Palin book signing a few weeks ago, which I also wrote about. He was a bit self-important with his "press" lanyard without ever once admitting who he was a "reporter" for. I spent the majority of the conversation dismissing him as pitifully ignorant and talking to the more intelligent if misguided man on his right about the economy. Out of nowhere Alan K. said, exact quote, "We are living in the muslim part of the world."
I truly thought he misspoke, and would readily correct himself to some similar if not totally outrageous one-liner. I repeated the statement quizzically. "Wait. You're saying we. live. in the. Muslim part of the world?"
"Well yeah. We're livin' in the muslim parta the world."
"We. Live. In the Muslim part of the WORLD?"
"They're comin' over in droves. You oughta think about what they done over in Europe."
First of all, isn't this intense focus on Islam a few years out of date? I thought other, more relevant issues came along. Islamophobia is so '05. (Except in Switzerland.) My guess is this guy has never been to Europe, never studied world history, current events, religion, or international affairs. Ah yes. That filthy infestation of Muslims. Nevermind his only sources of information are sensationalist reports on racist events, media coverage, and christian fundamentalist propaganda.
So, the Muslims of a particular region get together to form a community, establish the founding purpose of their community is to follow their Book, and what? What has that to do with the US constitution, (other than the fact that they are free to do exactly that)? If this community chooses their religious leaders as arbiters in community affairs so what? What about this says 'we reject the laws of the country we have chosen to reside in, and intend to break them'?
Idiocy!
I am really only interested in the fact that I actually met this crazy, and now he's sending me emails.
To be honest, I'm atheist, and as such am more inclined to study religion in social, political, and economic contexts. I am not really interested in EXPLAINING how the majority of modern muslims actually approach Islam. Instead, I will let him make himself the fool. On his website's main page, the show description for 18.12.09 says:
Can Muslims make good Americans? The answer is NO and here is why.
And he links to a site that quotes the reasoning then argues rather eloquently against it.
Source Citation FAIL.
LULZ
EDIT: I was mistaken. Of the two men who talked at me at the Palin signing, Alan K. was in fact the "more intelligent if misguided" man to the right. To be fair, the factually incorrect statement, "We are living in the Muslim part of the World," was uttered by a lanyard-wearing Randy something-or-other, also with RadioJihad.org. Despite disagreeing with pretty much all of his beliefs and values, I must admit that Alan K. does clearly know how to read, write, and speak.
Breaking Up With Publix
2009 December 06
Being a permanent pedestrian really stinks when it rains nonstop for days. I end up trapped in my apartment or sucking it up and walking in the wet. The latter results in a number of ailments, not the least of which is a powerful need for wonton soup.
So last night, after a dark and rainy day, my friend and I decided to join forces on a feast of homemade wonton soup and eggrolls. Naturally we went to our favorite Asian market, which happens to be on the corner opposite our neighborhood Publix.
I officially decided I will never shop at Publix again. I finally realized the Asians have most of what I need, and whatever they can't offer I'll just get from the Puerto Ricans. Too many people were simply raised on Publix, (or its regional equivalents). Our parents just let Publix Supermarkets happen without a thought, and it was stupid.
Granted, Publix is a pretty good company as far as companies go. They did give me my first job back in high school, but I'm tired of paying for high ceilings, bright lights, chipper employee-owners, excessive cleanliness and organization that borders on art just because it's the American way. I don't need shopping to be a pleasure, I need it to be effective. Don't foist a superexperience on me, charge more for it, then use the money to invest in Crispers.
Honestly the meat, fish, and produce at the Asian markets win on any rational rubric. (And I've always been fond of the delicious ready-to-eat and baked goods. $.90 for a pork bun the size of my face? Yes please! $1 for a custard sponge cake the size of my right hemisphere? I'll take two!)
When it comes to interacting with the nice Vietnamese lady behind the counter, I am always filled with fear and self-loathing. I'm used to ordering food in the language it's meant to be ordered in. Stupid American that I am, I only know Latin languages, with a splash of WWII and Rammstein German.
Technically I know more Vietnamese phrases than I use, but because every word can be intoned six different ways to mean six different things I don't trust myself. I always fear "giant pork bun, please," will come out "your mother is a wild hog," or that "mmmm… custard cake," will be heard as "hey there sugar-tits." So for now I stick to "Chào," (hi), "Càm ơn," (thank you), and friendly smiles.
That's all I can muster, but at least I try. And it ain't like they don't speak English.
I decided, and made the best pork and shrimp wonton soup and eggrolls I've ever had in my life. A grocery store is just a big room filled with food that will soon be shit; pretty it up all you want. Then pay for it yourself.
Jobs Summit: The Public (Service) Option
2009 December 03
As business leaders, government officials, academics, and others gather in Washington this afternoon for a jobs summit to discuss methods for creating jobs, I sit in my garage apartment waiting for my "expedited" food stamps interview.
I am 26 years old — a relative noob to the educated work force — and unemployment is at its highest since the year I was born. With six unemployed competing for every available job it's no wonder my fledgling resume isn't getting me anywhere. I can't even get the same foodservice or retail jobs that put me through school because people just aren't spending what they used to in these areas. I can't collect unemployment because I've never truly been an employee, rather an independent contractor.
Proposals will include another round of stimulus, hiring credits, a payroll tax holiday, and public service employment.
The first round of stimulus money didn't affect me one iota. I wasn't entirely against stimulus, but I knew all along it wouldn't help little old me. Unemployment benefits are great, sure, but I don't qualify, and neither do any of the other self-employed who are losing business. When you consider the explosion of providers in the freelancing pool fighting for gigs that pay half what they should due to desperate bidding wars, the unemployment figure is much more grim than 11.2% — try 17.5%.
Hiring credits, payroll tax holiday, and other tax breaks sound great! But also won't affect me until the pool of unemployed drains down to those with as little "experience" as I have. Bah. The only tax solution I would benefit from is a revision of tax code that eases the burden on the DOUBLE-TAXED self-employed.
Which brings me to Public Service.
I have long dreamed of the day that I could walk into city or county government offices and sign up for a public service job. I think that ANYONE willing and able to work and contribute to society but without the opportunity to do so should be able to find a guaranteed $8/hr job working for the public good.
Granted, $8/hr is not a living wage, but the security of a guaranteed paycheck would ease my hunger and rent fears while I pick up extra gigs on the side. $8/hr is better than $0/hr.
To those who whine about the "spending" associated with public service jobs, I say it isn't empty spending. There is PLENTY to be done to promote the public good and help our fellow citizens, improve our infrastructure, and care for our children. Imagine an army of peace and service here at home — millions strong — helping each other instead of the banks and corporate dickwads.
You might think it sounds like some crazy, lazy hippie-liberal-socialist-WPA bullshit, but think about it. I want a Corps that isn't for youth. It's better than welfare because it puts us to work immediately, but somehow we kept welfare and not employment; few people alive now actually remember anything about it. We've got partisan propagandas and the written record, (and as a writer this doesn't reassure me).
Public service is a basic, obvious solution until businesses can come correct to strengthen themselves on the dollars we're spending and rehire us at better salaries, so we can spend more money, and so on and so forth. A moderate, common-sense solution to a problem that is affecting ALL of us; liberal, conservative, or other.
Duh.
Palin Book Signing: Thoughts
2009 November 24
Earlier today a friend of mine shared this gem from Fox News:
Yes, all 193% of Republicans reported in.
Chuckle chuckle yeah yeah. Fox, whatever. Another friend commented on the link, mentioning that Palin would be signing her book, Going Rogue, at the Barnes & Noble here in Orlando tonight. Jokes were made about witty protest signs and I wrote a satirical poem off the top of my head. On further reflection, though, I decided I actually had something to say; not specifically about Sarah Palin, but about the apparent value system of those lining up for hours to purchase her tome and catch a glimpse of the "so gorgeous" hockey mom.
I'm not normally a protester. Rather, I don't go to rallies or hold signs or chant or any such thing. Typically I just write, but today I wrote an open letter to my American brothers and sisters. I hand lettered it in black paint on brown contact paper, used spray adhesive and cardboard to fashion a backing, rolled it up, and went to check out the show.
Before setting myself up across the street I went inside the store so my friend could buy himself a hot chocolate. I had my sign rolled up backwards so none of the words were showing. I knew perfectly well it would be disrespectful and bad for business if I unfurled my message in the store, and had no intention of doing so. A very friendly police officer came up to me.
"Is that a protest sign?"
"Not yet."
"May I see it?"
"I'd rather not unroll it in the cafe."
"I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
"But I haven't done anything wrong yet."
"Should I really wait for you to do something wrong?"
I smiled. "Well, since I have no intention of doing anything wrong, that would be nice."
"I'm not saying I don't agree with you." Sly smile.
Grin. "But that isn't the point."
His partner sidled up, a full two inches shorter than me, and started getting gruff. Officer Friendly waved him off. "Alright hon. But if management comes up and asks you to leave, I need you to leave."
"Not a problem."
After leaving the store and scouting a well lit location across the street from official B&N sidewalk, I unrolled my sign. There was only one other man with a sign, but he was rather inflammatory and nearly got himself beat up twice. Surprisingly, the first five or six passersby gave me cheerful honks, waves, and shouts of support, with a great many thumbs up. I felt good. Bring it on righties!
Fun Fact: The money spent on *Going Rogue* at this tour stop alone would support me for over a year.
Of course I got all the ignorant backlash I expected to get:
My unemployment is due to my own laziness.
I must believe I'm entitled. (To what I'm not sure... the opportunity to work? To life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness? I'd hope so.)
I must be a socialist.
I must be an Obama supporter. (I'm not)
I blame Palin for my unemployment.
I blame Palin for the economy.
I am angry. (I was smiling and cheerful the whole time, ready to speak intelligently with anyone who wished to engage me.)
Nevermind the fact that my letter calls out an icon-worship form of pageantry these people are more than happy to pour their money into. If Stephen King is free to write a bestseller, why not Sarah Palin? Touche, she is free to write a memoir, and you are free to buy it, but I nonetheless find the millions of dollars of demand for it a sad, sad thing for America.
A couple of men talked to me for forty-five minutes or so; far too long. They had a real passion for Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged, (an argument I've gotten into before and won't waste time on now). To be fair, they at least attempted to understand me, even if they kept putting the same unrelated words in my mouth as everyone else. Insistent that my unemployment is due only to the fact that I don't work hard enough, I told them to tell the other unemployed twelve percent of the country that same thing. I told him that if my financial hardship were my fault, rather than HIS generation's fault, then thousands of local families wouldn't be lining up for the 10 million dollars in rent aid available to Central Florida. Yep. 10 million. And that won't be enough to go around. None of this got through to them. They were busy trying to charm me.
So what did I take away from this? Oh yes, a business card, and an offer of "good honest work" cleaning bathrooms for NJC Corporate Enterprises, Inc. (The website totally sucks, btw.) The sneer on Mr. President, CEO's face as he said it made it painfully obvious he's the type to jerk off to the thought of being the dominating benefactor standing over me on my hands and knees in a bathroom stall, cleaning up his filth.
Because the work I do isn't honest, right?
You know who isn't honest? With themselves, at any rate? All the smug middling businessmen who truly believe they and they alone are the reason for their (minor) successes.
Information, Imagination, and Inspiration: OCLS
2009 September 05
"Libraries raised me. I don’t believe in colleges and universities. I believe in libraries because most students don’t have any money. When I graduated from high school, it was during the Depression and we had no money. I couldn’t go to college, so I went to the library three days a week for 10 years."
— Ray Bradbury
Woke late this morning in a hot haze. Hot thanks to nearly midday sun outside the window that makes my bed the most delightful and most miserable spot in my apartment. Hazy thanks to life.
I declined showering, preferring to just own being dirty in public until the sun settles. Incorrectly thinking today is Sunday I put on a pair of ancient jeans and a wife beater, splashed water on my face, brushed my teeth, covered my eyes with shades and set out walking for iced coffee, and to purchase a handmade bar of Blackbeard's Spiced Rum Shaving Soap from the Soap Lady at the otherwise lame farmer's market downtown.
Just past the iced coffee phase I realized today is Saturday. No Soap Lady. No Blackbeard's Spiced Rum Shaving Soap. I briefly considered turning back, the despair of broken dreams. The confines of my garage apartment. I stared at the sun — which I often do in moments of decision and indecision, resulting in permanent hexagon-chain worm spots in my vision — and decided to roam.
Nearing the library that serves as one of the most disappointing circumstances of my current existence, guarded by mild and jovial crackheads cracking jibberish jokes, bumming smokes, and checking out the ladies, I heard the call of classical jazz, saw the amateurly Photoshopped orange slice enticements to Learn! and Grow! and thought why not? It's been awhile.
I knew I fit in fine unkempt and unclean but keeping my sunglasses on felt wrong. I did it anyway. I kept them on through the lobby circus, while reading the collection directory en español, and to cover my anger at its shallow help which had nothing to do with my (perfectly clear) understanding of spanish. I removed them once I was sitting safely on the floor in home base — science fiction — chugging coffee and idly reading jacket summaries while trying to ignore the mulleted guy with liquid heavy bubble breath staring obliquely and seeming to whiff at whichever of my particles were riding the draft through an open space on the S shelf until I could decide where to wander. I updated my Facebook status via text.
I picked up Lord Kelvin's Machine and kept it with me when I left SciFi. I did not intend to check it out, or anything out, because I owe money for two late movies, but I do like to keep a book with me in the library. Something to hold on to. Plus this book's back cover had a stereotypically steampunk but still pretty bitchin bald guy in dark goggles with electricity all around him. It also appeared to be semen-free.
Confining myself in an elevator with random library patrons is not something I do, as much as I'd like to, so I took the large, open, central staircase past the rows of homeless and working poor at the public computers on the second floor, up to the third floor, and to the 800s; rows upon rows upon rows, each quaintly labeled Non Fiction.
Earlier I'd thought to find...
Dandelion Communitea Cafe Needs Your Support! Donate $11.11?
2009 July 30
But they don't deserve it. I'll give them 1,111 words.
There's been buzz recently about DCC's public request for $12,000 in donations by mid-August to stay open. When I heard them call it community supported enterprise I chuckled. When I heard all the people squawking about support, I got miffed. When people indirectly morally aligned this travesty against the news of Starbucks testing a new brand of "canned culture," I got footstomping earsmoking angry.
Karma? Shame on you Dandelion.
This is the point where diehards will refuse to read anything else I say. What they don't know is I believe it is absolutely sensible to eat organic locally grown foods whenever reasonable and support independent folks who provide goods and services of acceptable quality at a fair price. You don't have to be some moronic hippie liberal to have these principles.
I am all for supporting local businesses, but I don't distinguish them from any other business. If I don't like what I'm offered for my money I won't buy it. If I do like what I'm offered I'll be compelled to buy it again. As a consumer I give a for-profit business my support in the form of normal business transactions.
I'm not vegan or vegetarian but I eat lots of vegan and vegetarian food. I choose organic and locally grown foods when they are a sensible option, but I will not regularly purchase a sandwich that is not good at a price that doesn't justify it. Vegan food can be every bit as delicious as non vegan, but pretentious sorts of vegans make food that is generally gross. At Dandelion there is no passion for food or for the end user; the passion exists in the Moral Euphoria.
This False Pride and Moral Euphoria are what give them the balls to cite community service as a reason for us to donate. They have potlucks and new and full moon celebrations! But potluck means everybody brings something? And even though I always feel a little awe when I look up at the space past the sky, a bunch of silly hippies would surely ruin it. They say they support local art and then make it a picky friends club and only put up pieces that suit their own tastes. They call themselves socially conscious but what no one realizes they really are is conscious only of their own social niche. Sometimes people like that are necessary, but more often it takes someone to work out an approach that inspires more outsiders to appreciate the good points.
I'm too lazy to research but I hear the original Starbucks in Pike Place Market, Seattle was opened by a guy with a dream to bring a love of espresso to North America. And boy did we ever love espresso. Starbucks expanded swiftly and all of a sudden cafes were everywhere. Then Starbucks was a giant and all the socially conscious like-to-hang-out-and-be-seen caffeine addicts supported their trendy local cafes. I've seen a lot of cafes open and close, change hands, change names. They're usually cool at first, but they're so caught up in being the 'conscious' place they lose sight of the fact that it's a business. Whereas Starbucks finds out what people want and does their best to give it to them, and when times change so do they. They're testing full size cafes with different product lines and style of service. Is calling it local based on style underhanded? Not really. They're not Frito-Lay.
I consider Dandelion to be canned culture. Not mass produced, but places like Dandelion take an idea and image and compress it so ridiculously it becomes a self-defeating caricature. It is not only incredibly cool, but imperative we buy organic, locally grown salads-on-bread from them. They are the one haven for the good decision makers of Orlando. The fact is there is better vegan and healthful food out there. And despite the widespread notion that organic is expensive, the food at Dandelion is not fairly priced. Especially as the growers of the five ingredients they use for everything are nearby.
They are going out of business because I enjoy good food at a fair price in a minimally comfortable space with a mostly unobtrusive and vaguely welcoming atmosphere. As do most people.
I like giving money to things I like. I don't mind giving ten dollars to a non-profit I believe promotes the public good, or to support a creative effort I happen to like or believe in. But if you are a restaurant, dammit, give me food.
Do I want to donate $11.11 to keep Dandelion open? Of course not. They make claims about viability and sustainability beyond this publicity stunt, but wouldn't anyone? More often than not they have more people working than consuming, and at a fair wage. A woman thinks she can smoke pot all the live long day reveling in hip stardom without doing much honest work and wonders why the place is a charity case. I guess she didn't know the standard for opening and running a restaurant means blood, sweat, and 80 hour work weeks. After three years of offering the same dozen mediocre, shamelessly overpriced menu items and running the place like a moron, I'm not inclined to think their first crack at "changing some things about the menu" and "cutting costs" are going hit a magic bullseye that saves them until next quarter.
But guess what? We only have to have 1,000 or so people stupid enough to sanction this. That figure isn't hard to come by. And it isn't just loudmouth corporation-haters and pretentious vegans. According to the Sentinel donors are "young professionals" like this network administrator from a local law firm. It's been less than a week since the announcement and they already have almost $2,500. And if they implement a pay-in-advance membership plan, I'm going to laugh when they close anyway and season ticket holders can't cash in their $300 club cards for all the vegan salad sandwiches they rightly deserve. Laugh and laugh and laugh.
A Letter to Kashi
2009 July 24
Dear Kashi Seven Whole Grains Company,
I should start by saying I ADORE your Cinnamon Harvest organic shredded wheat cereal. I can eat a whole box with a half gallon of whole organic milk in one sitting, no joke.
I can appreciate that Cinnamon Harvest has only four delicious ingredients: organic whole grain wheat, organic evaporated cane juice, organic cinnamon, and natural cinnamon flavor.
As much as I love your consistent brand promise of all things healthy-happy-hippie, there is a grave quality control issue with Cinnamon Harvest in particular I feel I must bring to your attention. In each 17.5-ounce box, there remains at the bottom anywhere from 2 to 5 ounces of pure shred. Now, I do understand the cereal is called shredded wheat, but I enjoy the conventional neat little squares.
According to the package, one serving is one cup and there are approximately nine servings per box. Unfortunately, one or two of those servings are always wheat dust! I've tried making the most of it by concocting a Cinnamon Harvest porridge of sorts with the wheat dust but it just isn't the same. In an effort not to be wasteful I even tried sprinkling this leftover wheat dust on other Kashi cereals to bring that extra cinnamon pizazz, but that doesn't work very well either.
I understand the little biscuits don't hold up as well during shipping thanks to your thoughtful elimination of common bonding agents such as corn syrup or gelatin. Perhaps there is a healthy organic alternative bonding agent? Perhaps if instead of organic evaporated cane juice you used organic non-evaporated cane juice the little squares could be stickier and stay square. Surely you want your loyal consumers to get the fullest possible enjoyment out of each box of Cinnamon Harvest?
I'm afraid if I keep getting shafted by one bowl per box I will have to stop purchasing Cinnamon Harvest except every fourth week when they are on sale 2 for $5. This would be very disappointing. Please help!!!
Sincerely,
Kristen the Kashi Lover
The Loftier Side of the Legal Profession
2009 April 01
Where can one go to hear the term predatory lending result in one hundred belly laughs?
Shylock's Revenge. I knew Merchant of Venice is currently running at the Orlando Shakespeare Theater and correctly assumed yesterday's mock trial was a spinoff event. From the Orlando Weekly's posted description:
Using the actors from their current production of Merchant, with the assistance of the Bard’s Board Barristers, Shylock (Joe Vincent) and Antonio (Steven Patterson) will square off with actual advocates in front of actual judges to determine liability on their bond, Sunshine State style.
An improv courtroom comedy by the local Shakespearians? I'm in! Even if it turned out to be an epic fail, which seemed likely, I put a $10 donation on its being hilarious nonetheless.
Ever hear the saying you've got your pound of flesh? It's from The Merchant of Venice, a play about Shylock, a Jewish moneylender, and Antonio, a merchant. After harassing the Jew in a number of ways, Antonio finds he needs a loan so his friend can afford to marry a rich girl. Shylock agrees to loan Antonio 3,000 ducats interest free, but in the event of default the price would be a pound of the merchant's flesh. Antonio signed the contract, and when he defaulted, didn't want to part with his precious flesh. Good Jew that he was, Shylock took Antonio to court, where his bloodlust worked against him and he lost all his goods and assets to Antonio.
So, naturally, going to the old courthouse in the History Center to see Shylock appeal his verdict seemed like a fun idea. I was unaware the actors were only in the room to lend a little color and fancy to a performance by some of Orlando's higher-minded legal professionals. The publicity was misleading, failing to mention the actors weren't the ones putting on the show. The entire audience — save a light peppering of young, jeans-clad theater fans — was made of paralegals, Barry Law students and professors, judges, and lawyers — some of whom you may have seen on billboards and local commercials.
In-jokes for an in-crowd I felt very much outside of included haggling over whether a pound of flesh can be safely removed from a 170-pound man and the precise definition of a jot. Broader references to the Economic Crisis were made throughout, with squabbling over toxic assets, and whether Shylock was a predatory lender.
INSECTOBOTS! (Or, The Day The Earth Fell Asleep Watching The Day The Earth Stood Still)
2008 December 11
My favorite part of watching the advance screening of The Day the Earth Stood Still tonight was the Star Trek trailer.
That said, I liked the original 1951 version directed by Robert Wise and written by Edmund H. North.
Hot hot hot!!! Is that King Kong back there moving worlds over his jealousy of the GORT?
I was excited to see the remake even despite Keanu Reeves starring as alien ambassador Klaatu. I was delighted to go to my local not-quite-IMAX screen despite Neo. And I can dig an upgrade from the cold war themes including fear of atomic violence to climate change and the stewardship of the Earth.
Snooooooore.
The effects were decent, though I wouldn't agree with their award-nominated status. Specifically, the swarms of insectobots devouring everything in their path worked much better on screen than I'd anticipated. Unfortunately, all the effects seem wasted on a plot so thin.
Ok, ok, I know the plot is basically the same as the original, but a message so simple, respect life, only gets squashed by overdone visual effects, and the tepid acting and lack of character development don't help either. Yeah, yeah, Jaden Smith, a little Connelly, who cares?
And whatever happened to the line Klaatu barada nikto, a sci-fi line so famous it's been used, referenced, or parodied in scores of books, movies, songs, tv shows, and comics? Where the hell was it? Oh that's right, no need for a safe word, the GORT is... nanobugs. Of course. Nanotechnology: the catch-all device for lame people.
An earlier conception of the GORT would have had him four-legged-ish coming upright to zap things.
Speaking of the GORT, I realize almost all science fiction builds on other science fiction, with interrelated fantasy technologies, futures, beings, etc. The Cylon Raiders and Centurions of Battlestar Galactica are simple, elegant, and not at all original. Look at the original movie's poster up top if you don't believe me. Cybermen ring a bell? I feel like the new GORT is a cross between the Cylon copy of itself and an OSCAR. Which this film will obviously never be mentioned in relation to again. I can't imagine paying to see this.
The thing I fear most about this film? On its release tomorrow, 12.12.08, the Deep Space Communications Network in Cape Canaveral will transmit the film to Alpha Centauri. Please no. Can we send 2001: A Space Odyssey instead? Ok, don't want to let the aliens in on Kubrick? Fine. Please send them the ORIGINAL The Day the Earth Stood Still.
Anything but this flick. Anything for publicity, and you couldn't stop at climate change. Why do we always make ourselves look like total asses?
Independence Day anyone? Or any other movie with robots or flying things or aliens. Or a Smith.
LA Weekly: Long Live Print
2008 November 23
As much as I love the internet, I'm not about to give up on print, or declare its death. It may be true that print news giants are shrinking, but print is nowhere near dead.
LA Weekly's Long Live Print campaign is pretty hot. And by the same agency who did all their 'Blank Blankly' stuff, Ignited LA.
I love this.
Especially coming from a weekly paper. It may be the case that no one is interested in daily print news anymore, (at least I'm not), but the weekly is a different beast. Of course I can hop on the internet at any time and get the news and opinion articles on any news item from any point of view. But I still read my local weekly wherever I happen to be living. Why? Because it's the best way to get local voices and opinion on stuff and things. The items they choose to run are as relevant as what they choose to say about them. Not only that, they can distill the news of the week with, well, a week's perspective.
Long Live Print couldn't come at a better time. The heat of a market in near free fall might burn a little too hot for poor paper, but if there was ever a time to reassert the power of the medium, now is it.
This is kind of funny, I guess. Unfortunately the analogy seems... off. If horses are now for the select riding population, what does that say about the reader of the weekly paper? Are we some kind of landowning elite?
And this is just strange. Command P? If the battle of print news is raging against the internet, is appealing to mass knowledge of how to print a page helpful?
In any case, it's a good campaign, and the Ink Bleeds piece is just touching. Really touching.
The City Beautiful
2008 November 19
It's high time I say something about the city I live in: Orlando, Fl.
Last Tuesday Thomas Friedman went on the Daily Show to discuss the importance of switching to a green economy and mentioned in passing "half finished condos in Florida." Hah! You don't know the half of it Mr. Friedman.
The following Sunday, I was walking downtown and looked at the banners for the downtown Eola Farmers Market. The logo always reminds me of the Comedy Central logo, which is funny because our Farmers Market is a joke. It consists of twenty tables, two of which house unappealing overpriced produce and the rest of which contain bad arts, crafts, and incense.
Later that day, a friend sent me a link to the latest entry at DefameOrlando, which is nothing but self-righteous trash talk about the downtown scumsters and clubs and pseudo-nostalgiac meandering about Orlando's supposed good old days before our raves disappeared and our goth population died out, (read: got jobs and had babies).
These things happening in succession compel me to speak out.
Believe me when I say we realize the rest of the country makes fun of Florida on a near constant basis. Hell, we feel so held down we make fun of ourselves. Why would anyone come here? Infrastructure's bad, there's nothing to do, and our schools are horrific because our kids are just supposed to feed into the service industry.
Florida history in a nutshell: Semi-tropical savages, sweaty white money, agriculture, mansions, service industry, railroad, resorts, more servants, their children, public works, sprawl, skitter back into the swamp, have children, send them to in-state university or community college on Bright Futures, and like baby turtles to the moon over the water watch them crawl back to our 'cities'.
Help us.
SoDo, light rail, a team of Segway Ambassadors. Bad, good, no need.
Don't send us more development money for the peach and teal plastic and warped Spanish mission flair we left back in the suburbs and redneck coastal and swamp towns. And STOP with the plazas. You gave us a gross plaza (called SoDo, of all things), with a Super Target to supposedly expand the urban limits of downtown, for what? To put it in the condo brochures. We brought a little action, and you took us and built a bazillion condos. That nobody wants. There isn't enough action to merit the price or endure the monstrosity. You try to attract professionals from other cities where they are paid more to do the same work, but they want some action in the brochure. Pff.
Orlando was built on entertainment and hospitality via Disney and later, Universal. So where is it all?
The Spit of a People
2008 November 19
This commercial for the Czech National Museum made this week's Top 5 at AdForum.com, and for good reason. The commercials that make these lists are usually less than thrilling, but this pleasant surprise deserves mention.
The Munich Agreement is now officially on display at the Czech National Museum. It was settled upon at a conference in Munich attended by the leaders of Germany, France, Britain, and Italy in 1938. The Agreement addressed Hitler's territorial dispute over Czech border lands and Hitler, Mussolini, Chamberlain, and Daladier signed off allowing Nazi Germany to annex Czechoslovakia's Sudetenland.
Czechoslovakia was not invited to the conference, and thus had no say in the decision. They lost their borderlands, strategic defense posts, and their military alliance with France was dishonored. In light of this, most Czechs refer to the Munich Agreement as the Munich Dictate or Munich Betrayal.
This commercial was created for the museum by the agency Euro RSCG Prague, produced by Armada Films, written by Eda Kauba and Filip Kukla, and directed by Jakub Hussar. Kudos to everyone involved.
GetYouHomeToChristianSlater.gov
2008 September 05
A commercial during the Giants-Redskins NFL opener on NBC showed me peaceful, relaxed, silent people with hardly slightly exposed Sentri cards on which their joys could properly be sung by cheesy, animated ID photos. GetYouHome.gov
This was followed by thirty seconds of Christian Slater's face and high school newsdesk graphics for splitting Slater's face, My Own Worst Enemy, Oct 13.
GetYouHome.gov takes you to the Western Hemisphere Travel Initiative. I clicked the US as my country of origin to see what was there.
On June 1, 2009, citizens returning home from Canada, Mexico, the Caribbean or Bermuda, by land or by sea, will soon be required to present one of the travel documents listed below.
Forget that they threw a soon in there where it doesn't belong. I think. US Passport, US Passport Card for land and sea only, Enhanced Driver's Licenses distributed in the US and Canada for travel by land and sea, and Trusted Traveler Program Cards. I can see frequent travelers getting excited about Sentri, Nexus and FAST cards to avoid the worry and burden of carrying a passport or equivalent documentation. It's like getting the E-Pass. Private lanes, swipe swipe, off you go. No Booths.
But wait, what does it say for Canada? It says the exact same thing. Canadian Passports, Funky Driver's Licenses, Trusty Traveler Cards.
Ok, ok, so what does Mexico say?
Who's Afraid of the Internet?
2008 August 12
The United States of NBC.
I'm twenty-five and self-employed, living on bran flakes and dreaming of luxuries like health insurance and television. Zeus forbid I want to watch the Olympics on the internet I pay more for because I'm not also purchasing a cable tv package. All the whining about online coverage of the Olympics is getting annoying, but it brings me to a point I've been making for a long time: Internet, internet, internet.
NBC is so dependent on primetime advertising that they couldn't even televise the four-hour opening ceremonies live, (much less show it online), much to the boo-hoo of laptop-toting and DVRing 18-35 year-olds everywhere. Despite the claim of over two thousand hours of streaming online coverage, the majority of it is not live, and NBC won't be offering the more popular events to online viewers until well after they've happened. I know women's gymnastics just ain't what it used to be now that steroid-testing and underage Chinese girls are the norm, but the only thing badminton calls to mind is an animated match between Maid Marion and Lady Cluck. It's tough to get excited about that.
Granted, ninety-eight percent of households in the US contain at least one television, if not the 2.5 average, and sixty percent of households with television subscribe to cable, but even they're getting shafted on coverage if this guy's f***-per-paragraph rate is any indication. I can understand the importance of commercial sales, especially considering the $800 million payout required to win the bid as exclusive US broadcaster of the Olympics, but if NBC can't make that money back that's their own fault. And what's with all the exclusivity, anyway? It's the Olympics. If there are two things people the world over can unite on, I'd say they're the Olympics and the internet. Just not at the same time, apparently.
IKEA - 2009 Catalog Drop
2008 August 02
Don't be fooled by its pretty looks.
Home and Lifestyle, Design, and general Women's bloggers are wetting themselves in delight. Nothing provocatively silent there. I-King-A, the international furnishing titan, just dropped its 2009 catalog. If they were perusing the US catalog, this is the message they saw on the first page:
**The way you live every day.** That's how we define our homes. A functional welcoming kitchen for weeknight dinners and late-night talks. A comfortable living room that invites everyone to stretch out and tune in. And when all the activity is done, a peaceful bedroom to shut the door and recharge.
This year's catalog is filled with new products, inspirational solutions and incredibly low prices that make it possible to create a beautiful home even during the tough times. Start here, and then go to **www.IKEA-USA.com**. Because on the website you'll find more selection, inspiration and solutions for your life at home. And with hundreds of products being launched throughout the year, there's always something new to discover on our website and in our stores.
But for now, grab a place on the sofa, turn the page, and start browsing, planning, imagining. After all, Home is the most important place in the world.
The bolding is theirs, but I'd just bold the tough times. Says it all, right? Everyone knows they have a lot of really cheap stuff, but they've been trying so long to push the great green design. Now they can just run with cheap as hell! (Unless you want their weirdly overpriced large furniture.) So what's their most prominent tagline, appearing as a full right page dozens of times? Our biggest idea is the smallest price.
Cry Dctrw [is a] Twt
2008 July 31
(This post originally appeared in November 2007 at my StumbleUpon blog.)
Anti-censorship internet hero disemvowels balanced and calm criticisms.
A few days ago on BoingBoing Cory Doctorow posted an announcement that, gasp!, his short story, 0wnz0red was translated into Swedish.
If you scroll down to the comments, you'll find some interesting bits. The first comment was by Flying Squid. He says in a very polite way that it seems unreasonable for Cory Doctorow to use BoingBoing for personal PR. Cory responds with several paragraphs of "I can do what I want," which is basically true, and the reason I don't bother reading BoingBoing. There's nothing on that site I won't see elsewhere on the internet, minus all the tush-patting of the aging BoingBoing brigade. Flying Squid responds by hanging his head in impotent apology.
My friend and roommate, Yeago, decided at that point to post a comment. Some time ago a member of our personal mailing list suggested 0wnz0red as good reading and a long thread ensued wherein I gave my criticism of the story. Yeago quoted me within a polite frame, and even deleted the last few sentences which were perhaps too scathing for the BoingBoing readership. Shortly after that post Nutkin joined in, telling Flying Squid not to roll over, and that Mr. Doctorow's personal blog is where those posts belong. Seems reasonable. Shortly after that, both Yeago and Nutkin were disemvowelled.
For those of you who don't know what that is, all the vowels were removed from their comments, rendering them illegible without undue scrutiny. Teresa Nielson Hayden is the moderator responsible for this. She also runs the blog and moderates discussion at Making Light, where a response blog was posted by her husband Patrick, titled Blow, blow, thou wanker wind, and yet more disemvowelling occurred.